The Alexiad by Alex Sultoon

Ahoy! Said the captain as he hoisted the vittles
On the deck of the ship where the crew fell like skittles
Then he crossed himself twice and pushed off the pontoon
To set forth on his quest to find Mrs. RAVOON

He’d heard many a sighting and stories of yore
Plus rumours and hearsay and wives tales galore
But convinced that she lay on a path with gold strewn,
He blindly went after one Mrs. RAVOON

His wife was aghast at his brazen endeavour
And told him he really should be far more clever
“I find your opinions to be quite jejune”
Said he, then prepared to seek Mrs. RAVOON

“You’ll lose everything and we’ll end up in penury”
“No!” he replied, “We’ll be minted come January”
Unknown to her though a secret tycoon
Had bankrolled the mission named Mrs. RAVOON

She tried to persuade him and make him see sense
But his obstinacy was unduly immense
So her parting shot of “You foolish buffoon!”
Just spurred him on faster t’ward Mrs. RAVOON

His ship looked quite splendid with flags at full mast
And leaning to starboard clipped waters so vast
Whilst inside the fo’c’sle which lights did festoon
He fantasised wildly o’er Mrs. RAVOON

The voyage was harsh as the waters did roil
Whilst tempers did flare and the tension did boil
But he softened the mood with a sweet gentle croon
Of the riches he’d find about Mrs. RAVOON

Now it has to be said that his motives were noble
For they all can be traced to a time in Grenoble
On reading a book, the romance - Lorna Doone
So began his fixation with Mrs. RAVOON

As upon that short trip he acquired an old map
Which he followed assiduously not stopping to nap,
But as if out of nowhere there blew a typhoon
And he lost all his bearings towards Mrs. RAVOON

But early one morning the captain spied land
And quickly dropped anchor deep into the sand
Then he waded across to some rocks where was hewn
The cackling figure of Mrs. RAVOON!

As quick as a flash he climbed to the top
But the vision was gone with a crack and a pop
And a sign that did point to the nearby saloon
Was the only trace apropos Mrs. RAVOON

So over he trekked and entered the bar
But sadly this time did not get very far
He was battered and beaten by a devilish goon
Who said “no-one dare venture near Mrs. RAVOON!”

They stripped all his effects, left him down in the dirt
Yet so gallant was he that his pride was unhurt
But bereft of his map and his final doubloon
He had just his wits to hunt Mrs. RAVOON

So onward he limped with a groan and a wheeze
With mud on his fingers and blood on his knees
And started to realise his long honeymoon
Had come to an end over Mrs. RAVOON

He started to shiver and went hot and cold
For a gent still so young, he felt terribly old
As a virus from which not one man was immune
Took hold, he believed, sent by Mrs. RAVOON

Then a doctor came by, took him down to a shack
“Drink this potion” said he “and soon you’ll be back”
But no medic was he, just a foul picaroon,
And a henchman in service to Mrs. RAVOON

The elixir caused him to hallucinate
And he found himself tied up and lying prostrate
And with trident in hand, the Sea God Neptune
Sacrificed him in honour of Mrs. RAVOON!

He awoke in a sweat and whilst still alive
His pulse was quite weak and he might not survive
But the thought of his death he did fiercely oppugn
He would not be defeated by Mrs. RAVOON

Thinking back to the folk who said he was a joke
And all his grand plans were but mirrors and smoke
He saw why they mercilessly did lampoon
His endless obsession with Mrs. RAVOON

Like an urchin he wandered the desolate isle
And slowly forgot the last time he did smile,
But lo! He discovered a hidden commune
Maybe they could relieve him of Mrs. RAVOON

They took him inside through the rickety door,
Said “we can’t help you much, we are desperately poor”
Here’s a morsel of food, though, a small picayune,
May this give you strength to fight Mrs. RAVOON

Now let us give thanks to our Lord and Creator,
The source of our story, the grand instigator
We’ll all raise our glasses at seven days to noon
And toast the monstrosity of Mrs. RAVOON

Things didn’t improve and in fact they got worse
When he thought he’d recount his adventures in verse
He started to laugh like a swivel eyed loon
The sole words he wrote were just “MRS RAVOON”

The madness took hold and he lost all his marbles
He only would speak now in googles and gargles
He barely could eat and phlegm dripped from the spoon
When he gobbled and garbled ‘bout Mrs. RAVOON

Nobody could save him it was widely thought
And they managed to drag him back into the port
But a moment occurred that was most opportune
When a little girl yelled “I’ve seen MRS RAVOON”

She told him her story and he listened intently
Very careful was she now to let him down gently
But what she divulged was an incalculable boon
About breaking the spell of said Mrs. RAVOON

Many people had striven to set themselves free
But their attempts had led them to purgatory
Not the fiercest dragoon or the largest platoon
Could escape from the clutches of Mrs. RAVOON

There is one last hope though, the little girl said
If you find the one man who can skewer her dead
You must search the whole world from New York to Kowloon
For the one who could finally end Mrs. RAVOON

“Who is he?” the captain did fervently ask,
But the little girl now had completed her task,
However she drew him a gruesome cartoon
Of the ghoulish visage that was Mrs. RAVOON

He went on his quest but it soon took its toll
Though nothing could stop the pursuit of his goal
So badly he bled that he turned quite maroon
He knew he could exorcise Mrs. RAVOON

Meeting all sorts of folk in the course of his journey
From poets to the baron of Abergavenny
They wore tunics and frocks and the odd pantaloon
But not one of them knew about Mrs. RAVOON

He learned many new tongues and could wrangle a whale
But his exploits quite frequently put him in gaol,
He could even distinguish the macaron and macaroon,
But the trail had gone ice cold on Mrs. RAVOON

The months they did pass and it seemed all was lost
His stone it stopped rolling and gathered the moss
“Presumed to be dead”, read the Herald Tribune
Yet onward he toiled chased by Mrs. RAVOON

And just when he thought he could stand no more pain
This is when I myself did then enter the frame
I told him that really he wasn’t to blame
That this whole odyssey was not just one big game.
One word was all that he’d need to regain
His mind and his body and return to the sane
And the word that he needed to say was my name
So he begged and he pleaded and snapped like a cane
“Please tell me at once I can no longer feign
The mask of a man impervious to shame
For I always believed that I never would deign
To heed the advice of another man’s brain”
And so on a warm starry evening in June
With the chirp of the crickets and the purring raccoon,
And a virtue that no one alive could impugn,
I imparted the word that would change his fortune
Dear captain, said I - my name is Sultoon!
And with that he bade farewell to Mrs. RAVOON